When the Fault Lies in Myself, All That's Left is to Walk

The morning air has a hint of cool. I don’t know if that means the driest and hottest parts of summer are over, but the slight breeze felt wonderful when I walked the garbage to the curb. I took a long draw into my lungs. The blend of the oxygen with tinges of a temp similar to that in the main part of the refrigerator made me want to walk to the park. Then, a thought of work, and some other feeling deep, deep inside, somewhere beyond my conscious will, prodded me to walk back into the house. 

I might have forgotten about the experience, even though the failure to launch to exercise has happened a lot since December. Before that, there were times when I walked as much as four or five miles in a day. That was when I a cardiologist joined my squad of doctors.Afterwards, I walked to the park a couple of times. Then, I stopped.  I cannot tie the two together - heart problems and a lack of desire to even take a short walk.

The look on his face matches mine at the thought of a workout. 

Anyway, I briefly kicked the question around in my head until I found an article, “Five Exercise Myths that are Holding You Back.” The story inspired me to do what I usually do when I cannot work through a problem - write through the confusion.
As many people these days, I thought there was somewhere other than my own free will to place the blame.

 Whoa! I told myself. See, the fact that you won’t get up and move around outside the house is not your fault. There is some unseen power that binds you to the easy chair.

Things got better when I glanced at the short feature's last paragraph. "Physical activity is important for everyone, but it can be tough to get started," the author wrote. Ahah! I said to myself. A sympathetic voice. Then, my fantasy crashed. The next line explained that you have to workout nonetheless. "Run with it!" the author wrote.

Yikes! The writer used the "R" word. I haven't run in twenty years.

For not even sixty seconds, my mind drifted to a recent cartoon photo I saw. Bob from the Minions stood surprised. The caption exclaimed, "Exercise? I thought you said, French Fries!"

Anyway, I glanced a second time at the article. The expression on the kid about to lift weights in the photo above matched the feeling in my heart. 

Oh...man!  I  said to myself in that sort of long low whine I get when I know I am wrong. Then I went all Shakespeare on myself. The fault lies in myself, not in my stars. In other words, short of some specific revelation that God wants me welded to an easy chair for my final years on Earth, I have not one reason to give up on exercise. In fact, the article states that no one has an excuse anymore. 

By the way, one of the myths that hold people back is a lack of time. The writer says "fagettaboutit!" and offers suggestions on a 10- or 20-minute intense workout. According to the article this type of exercise is the current rage. Well, that is not for me. You have to be in great shape to do those kinds of workouts. Then again, even as I write those words, I wonder whether its a "chicken and the egg" conundrum - you have to be in great shape for a high intensity workout, but extreme exercise might put you in better shape. Anyway, none of that is outside my realm. Remember, I can barely work up the will to stand.

Last week, I got a doctor's permission to use the exercise room at a senior center. They have treadmills. I was enthusiastic until the time came to go to orientation. I passed, and felt kind of bad about the lack of fortitude, until I saw what the "Five Myths" article said about calories and treadmills. Ok, I thought. I can do that. You know, walk and burn calories by the basket full. I was almost mentally out of the chair when I read, "Everyone burns different amounts of calories, depending on body weight, metabolism and effort expended. There is no one-size-fits-all 400 calorie workout."

You might as well go back to walking in your neighborhood, I told myself. An indoor treadmill is a blessing for rainy days, but it is not a magic carpet.

In the end, I guess the article does not have what I sought - a place to keep hiding from the steady, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other grind that comes with some form of daily exercise. The next orientation session at the senior center is on Wednesday. I might go this time. The odds are pretty good that later today I might walk to the park.

The Keys to My Success

For important changes, I do what I do, giving almost no thought to what I do. If I think too much about some decisions, I would not make them. On  those matters, I do not try. I - as fictional Jedi wise man Yoda says - do. That is why I was amused by what a CNN article urges for those who want success in business and my quest for more mental, physical and spiritual balance and harmony.

Change can make one unsure which door to open

I probably rate a "D" grade as a capitalist, yet as those who the news outlet targets in, "6 traits successful entrepreneurs share," my journey has forced me to tend to serious business. I set a goal that demands planning, production, patience, and persistence, which is key.

The article says the best entrepreneurs are persistent, adaptive, risk takers, imaginative doers, confident and trustworthy. I discovered that thus far in my pursuit of a better life, those same tactics have become key. I have a long road to walk before my quest is complete, but those everyday habits bring me to a healthier place.

When I weighed so much that a scale groans at my step, the idea that I might someday lose enough pounds to improve that condition seems laughable. Even when to drop pounds might mean life or death, diet and exercise can seem too much to ask. So, I did not.

As I once wrote, I never asked myself to lose weight or change eating habits. I do. I exercise for its own sake. If the weight drops away, I take it as gravy on meat and potatoes. I don't weigh everyday, as some experts suggest. I wait for the doctor to give me the totals. If the news is good. I do more. If not, I work exercise more. 

I do not starve myself, or eat fake foods that taste like wallpaper laced with dirt. I cut back on portions and if practical avoid bread and red meats. I let my body, mind and spirit take control. They work together to help me adapt to the rigorous routine of my life. 

When I meet roadblocks in the set goals, I shift, but keep sight of the mark.  As you might read in the article linked above, successful entrepreneurs are never afraid to try a different approach when something does not work.  I do the same.

There are so many pieces of advice and experts on health and whole living afloat in today's media. If I tried to keep up with every theory, or followed the latest trend, my focus on the quest would scatter. Instead, I adapt to what seems practical at the moment. For example, I began to walk each morning along a path that drained two, sometimes three hours or more out of the day. The long exercise period seemed to drain the energy from the rest of the day. Also, when my calendar was busy, time often forced me to put aside the walk because it took too long. The lack of consistency tempted me to toss in the towel on exercise and drop the routine.  Instead, I staked out a two-mile route closer to home that can be leisurely completed in an hour. The change furthers my goal, but I am still forced to deal with risks.

From the moment the journey began, I have risked my health, image, peace of mind, lifestyle, and comfort. I abandoned the safety and security of victimhood as a morbidly overweight, miserable, depressed, weary man with at least five serious illnesses. With the first step I made a move toward... the unknown. Some people would be paralyzed by such a risk. I do not know if where the journey will take me is better than the physical and mental limitations that mired my past existence. I do not know if what lies ahead is better or can make me more fulfilled. I just imagined the more and started a journey. I am not confident I will get to where I imagine I might go, but I am certain I will be far from where I have been.

Confidence is like a box of chocolates. To open an empty container is sad, so you have to start with some pieces of promise, even if all that is left are the sampled cast offs  and rejects. I had to convince myself that I am worthy of salvation.

A few years ago, I was convinced that death was the only stop  ahead on the road of my life. With the help of a few loyal friends and kind strangers, I forced myself to look away from others' impressions of me. I tuned out negative predictions. I pushed the "Kevorkians" out of my circles, then seized responsibility for who I am and what I choose to be.

I let many strangers, or friends that I had not met yet, drop sweet bits of solace, encouragement and wisdom in my "chocolate box." Those good experiences continue to fuel the journey.

When the image in the mirror is not what my mind knows can be, I seek the strength to trust. That leads to the task which is hardest for me. The person I most distrust is me.

I find it tough to believe in myself on this quest. Sometimes, I feel way over my head. I know other people have done what I seek and more, but doubt whether I can. I doubt the compliments and supportive words of others, lest I succumb to flattery. I worry about whether I will betray the goals. I become impatient with myself, particularly when changes do not come swiftly. For example, when I lose eight or ten pounds over the course of a month, I beat myself up inside and think, You should lose that much in a week.

When people walk up to me, smile and say, "You are looking thinner." My mouth says, "Thanks!" My mind says, Right. C'mon, stop kidding!

I get nervous that the quest and the recollections in this blog might make me look foolish. Living out loud is not my usual habit. That is when I look into my mind's eye and ask, "Really?" Then, I realize that what happens in this project does not bank entirely on self-trust. Mostly, the success depends on my trust in the God who made me.